The Concierge
Questions? We have answers.
Most of them are some variation of "no", but we've written them out in full anyway. Here is everything you need to know before not buying.
Shipping, returns & the deeper questions
Below are the questions our concierge most frequently reads and feels nothing about. If your question isn't here, the answer is almost certainly "$0.00" or "none in stock", so you've probably already got it.
Are any of these products actually in stock?
No. Every item is, and always has been, 0 in stock. We sold out in 2014 and have made a deliberate strategic decision never to restock. The 'Add to cart' button works; it just produces a toast and zero f*cks, as advertised.
Why is everything $0.00?
Because we are an honest retailer. A product with zero units in stock has zero value to deliver, so we price it accordingly. Charging you for nothing would be unethical. Giving you nothing for free is, by contrast, completely above board.
When will you restock?
There is no restock date. You may click 'Notify me when restocked' on any product page — it will add you to a list that we will check never. Your patience is appreciated and entirely misplaced.
How does shipping work?
Our non-shipping is free, fast, and worldwide. Because there is nothing to ship, your order will arrive at a speed indistinguishable from never, in packaging that does not exist, to an address we never collected.
Can I return a f*ck I didn't receive?
We offer an industry-leading 0-day return window. To initiate a return, simply do not have the item, do not package it, and do not send it back. Refunds of $0.00 are processed instantly.
Do you offer bulk or wholesale pricing?
We do. Our Bulk Fucks (24-Pack) offers the same zero units at a 0% volume discount. For enterprise customers requiring truly massive quantities of nothing, contact our sales team, who give exactly as many f*cks as you'd expect.
Is my payment information secure?
Completely, because we never collect any. Checkout is secured by absolutely nobody, which is the only truly un-hackable arrangement. You will not be charged, because there is nothing to charge you for.
I added something to my cart and nothing happened. Is this a bug?
That is not a bug. That is the entire product. The dry toast confirming '0 f*cks given' is the feature you came here for. The system is working exactly as intended.
Do you have a loyalty program?
Yes. For every $0.00 you spend, you earn points equal to the number of f*cks we give. We are pleased to report your balance will remain at a stable, lifelong zero.